Let's start from the beginning....

     Hello, my name is Austin, and I am an alcoholic. These were words that a year ago I never thought I would mutter out of my mouth and truly mean them. At 30 years old, you don't have a problem, right? I just like to go out and enjoy drinks with my friends, right? I can stop this whenever I want too, right? WRONG. Let's go back to awhile in time to when all of this really started.

    I was born and grew up in the suburbs of Indianapolis, IN. A very nice area. Hamilton County has been my home for a large majority of my life. Quaint areas that were very fast growing and had plenty of things to keep a child busy. My family was your typical middle-class family. Had nice things, went on fun vacations, and spent a lot of time running shoeless around the neighborhood as a little one. I have a very loving mother and father that have taught me great morals. Never saw them fight around my sister or I, maybe bicker, but never a screaming match. The schools were great in the area. However, it was the fitting in that sometimes was difficult. Growing up as far back as I remember, maybe 2nd grade, it felt difficult to be seen. I almost felt like I was always just one step behind everyone. Maybe it was because I was the first born? Who knows. But it felt like that all through my childhood. I was never the top of the class, football star, prom king. But I was also not the loner who ate his PBJ in the janitor's closet. No, I was right in the middle. Trying my best to fit in with anyone and everyone. I had plenty of friends. That wasn't the issue. It was almost as I always wanted something more. I'd be lying to you if I said I didn't want the be the football star, or the prom king, I thank most kids growing up would want too. So, around the age of 15 I developed this sense that to fit in, maybe consuming alcohol will give me the attention that I am searching for. This was the beginning of a long road, so buckle up. 

    Once I found the ever so cunning drink that is alcohol, my world shifted. I started to be accepted by some of those that I had not been before. I was being invited to parties and events. I felt cool. I felt popular. I felt accepted. High School was tough in my area that I grew up in. It was very political. There were people in my school living in million-dollar mansions and drive luxury cars to school at 16 years old. As a middle-class child this was tough to see. My parents did their absolute best raising me and my sister. Getting us the things we wanted and doing a very good job explaining that some of the things that others have just were not in our realm. We understood that and made the best of what we had. But there was still this part of me that wanted more. So, the bottle continued to be my friend. All through high school I drank. I drank before going to football games, I drank before bed, any time I had the opportunity to do so, I had a drink. It became my friend. My copilot. As I got to my senior year, my parents knew that I was drinking, likely not to the extent that I was. But they knew. It was at this time too that I also found a liking for the ever so sweet Mary Jane, or marijuana. Weed kind of began to overtake the drinking. It seemed easier, I could function better on it, or so I thought. But my copilot was still there, just waiting for when I needed another sip. Both of these in turn led me into a little bit of a phase where I lost who I was. I began to not care about sports, hanging out with family, and other things that I used to adore. It also led me into trying other things. One of those things were Xanax. This was something that I did not necessarily like personally, however, I had already drunk and of course I wanted to feel that 'acceptance' from others. So, I did it. Boy oh boy was that a mistake. For anyone that has not experienced that, imagine being fully functional and in a tremendous mood, then out of nowhere you turn into the Incredible Hulk. One little thing doesn't go your way, and you are knocking down doors and punching holes in walls. Let's just say that phase didn't last long. The drinking continued, along with the occasional weed smoking. Come the time I graduated, drinking just seemed to become a normal part of my life. 

    I attended Indiana University for 2 years. I am going to make this quick, because there isn't much to say about my experience down there, other than the progression of my drinking. Being out of the house, no parents, nobody telling you what you can and can't do is very freeing. It is also where things can take a major turn. For me it was all about the party. Where are we going tonight? Who has money for shots? Let's just have one more! Yep, college was a party. For me I believe that I 'fit in' more because I had already developed this persona as a drinker and partier. So, I loved it. People loved me. I was always up for going to the bars and clubs. No matter what time or what paper I had due the next day. College was drink, drink, drink, drink. And, similar to what Forrest Gump said, "That's all I've got to say about that".

    My early life and childhood were great. I just wanted to fit in. That is what initially led me to the bottle. I kind of flew through this section, because this was just the start of my addiction. No need to bore with details. I just wanted to lay out a foundation about where this is going to go. Everything I stated here is leading up to more and more and shaped my addiction. I will get into some of the tough stuff with more details in my next post about post college. Until then, take my words to heart. Let them sink in and think about how you may be living your life or how someone you love may be struggling. It is not easy to ask for help, and addiction is a very scary place to be. Help is out there. I got it and you can too. It just starts with picking up the phone. I love you. Signing off -- Austin Leum.